Must hold on a little longer.
Sanity slipping away.
Must hold on.

Seriously, what a nightmare of a semester. [I wonder how often I've said that in Dec?]
But alas, I’m nearly through. I may not have gotten away clean, but I will have gotten through.

I have but just one last program to submit, and one last final [take home] to complete.
The semester may have not went as well as I had hoped grade wise, thanks to some shitty group project (damn you rat tail), but it won’t be too bad. I’m hoping for an A-, but I’ll probably end up with some sort of B for that class. DAMN!

The plus side is that I’ve become closer with a couple of people. I’ve also made some entirely new friends!!! I keep falling for girls with which I have no chance, but when haven’t I? Seriously I fall quicker and harder than most people I know. But hey, fuck it. At least I’m living. It was a lonely time these last few years in the dark. I feel like I’ve come back out into the light, at least for a little bit at a time. I’m still opening up my shell, but I’d say it has a pretty good crack. This is in part thanks to lots of soul searching, as well as new great friends. I’m pretty damn pleased with most parts of my life right now.

Also I’ve secured a summer internship that is most likely going to lead to a full time job.
That’s pretty effing sweet!

So, eat your heart out Major Depressive Disorder, John Wayne is kicking ass and taking your name!

Add comment December 11th, 2007 at 09:23pm John

It’s a question asked of me by many a people.
It’s a question I’m never sure how to answer.

What do people really want to know when asking this question?
Do they want to know what I’m physically doing, and where I’m physically doing what I happen to be doing? Or perhaps they would like to know what I happen to be thinking. Or perhaps that actually want to know what I plan on doing. If this is the case, how long of a time line would these people like for me to describe? I’m unsure. But here goes:

Well I’m currently writing this web blog. I’m in the Informatics lobby and many people are coming and going from classes. This just happens to be the place to hang out.

I’m thinking about the interactions of people. In social, physical, and virtual senses. People interact verbally and non-verbally. This is very interesting to me. People are always unpredictable and rarely completely open and honest. I strive to be open and honest at all times. I strive also to be visible and transparent in all that I do. Why should I hide what I’m thinking. Why should I hide anything from anyone. If they don’t want to know, they shouldn’t ask. If you aren’t prepared for any possible answer, how can you ask the question?

My plans are to finish this semester on a high grade point note. Projects are being completed, neural networks are being implemented, other projects are being planned, etc etc etc. Not to  mention the ever pressing inevitability of finals week. What a scary thought. After the semester I plan on working and doing Christmas things with family and friends. After that, I start my spring semester of classes and pretty blooming things. Soon after that I start my internship in Kansas City. After that I have just one semester left of classes. And then graduation. What that will be like, I’m unsure. And in borrowing some writing styles of a great author… And so on, and so on, etc etc etc.

Add comment November 29th, 2007 at 02:38pm John

A new poem: Permanent link .
———————————————————————————-

The Thick Mist

My depression is coming in like winter.
It’s cold sterile loneliness smacks you in the face.
White desolation mirrors the vast emptiness inside.

Yes my depression is setting into my soul as the sun dips into the sea.
The blackness, only moments away, brings the fear of isolation.
My heavy heart is lost to its current.

Tears wax and wane upon my eyes like the deep morning’s mist.
Barely noticeable as gravity pulls them unto her womb.
My eyes wander through mazes of sorrow.

My depression is coming in like winter.
Emotions flutter as my death rattle echoes across the land.
I am a desolate tree vacant of leaves.

———————————————————————————-

Lately I just feel awful lonely. I keep mucking up any new possible friendships with my lack of social grace. I find it incredibly hard to meet new people. Once I’ve meet them, I obsess with trying to make them my friend right away. And meeting women, forget about it. Even if I muster the courage to speak with them, I always blow it in the first couple of days. Besides any women I become interested in have established relationships already. I just don’t know what to do, or how to do what I don’t know what to do. It’s confusing, time consuming, emotionally draining, frustrating, and incredibly painful.

So tell me great people of the public, how do you meet and acquire new friendships (and possibly girlfriends)? Forever friends.

More poems for your digestion.

Add comment November 7th, 2007 at 09:59pm John

Seriously, they just don’t play well together folks.

I’ve been feeling really dumb in my emotions lately. Not that I haven’t had many emotions, but rather that the emotions I do have are rather stupid. They just don’t make any sense to me, well to my mind at least. Really, I’m an all heart guy, but I think I need to let my mind step in and straighten things out a bit. My heart is such a mess. A wild pendulum swinging back and forth and forth and back. It’s totally unpredictable to even myself. I don’t know how to handle it anymore. I have weird emotional swings from one hour to the next. First I’m sad and crying, then I’m laughing hysterically, then I’m singing aloud, then perhaps a pissy whinny stage, and possibly back to sadness.

You might call this your normal everyday depression. It certainly doesn’t feel normal to me however. So really Heart, we’ve had a good run old buddy, but I think it’s high time someone else starting making the decisions around here. Meet your new boss Brain. Brain this is Heart, Heart, Brain. It just isn’t working out. Really, I’m sorry.

[image: http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=381860781&size=m @ 10/28/2007; Creative Commons]

Add comment October 28th, 2007 at 10:19pm John

I feel tired and dreamy.
Lost, confused, and lonely.
Depressed, manic, and intelligent.
Stupid, frightful, and anxious.

Dammit. I really think I’m too old for this shit. Should I really be sleeping in until 10:30. Should I really be so deep into dreams that I hit the sleep button on my alarm clock until 30 minutes before class and then decide not to go.

I’ve so many things to do. How can anyone get senior-itis. Seriously, there seems to be a ton of extra work to do my senior year. Not only are classes just as hard, but now I have the background to put lots of thought into my classwork. Also, I have to find a career for when I graduate (Dec 2008), and this ain’t no picnic basket.

It’s kinda fun being busy, but I still lack the close relationships I desire in my life.  I have “friends”, but none whom are close. My only close friends live in Indianapolis, and when friends live in different cities they fall out of touch, at least a little bit. So my close friends in Indy are not as close of friends as they used to be.

Depression sucks. I’m just glad I was diagnosed so that I have a name for it [major depressive disorder], instead of just saying “Gosh life sucks”. Knowledge is the answer.

3 comments October 5th, 2007 at 11:26am John

Some people eat when they feel bad, they say it makes them feel happier. Well, apparently it all depends on what you are eating. That ice cream might not be so bad after all. Here is a listing of 11 food that you can eat to feel better about yourself. On the plus side, they are really tasty.

11 Mood Lifting Foods [by ririan project]

Add comment September 12th, 2007 at 02:10pm John

Gosh, I’m really much more shy than I had thought/imagined/hoped.
This kinda sucks. I don’t want to be shy. But how do I fix it. I’m not really sure.
There are people in my classes whom I would like to talk to, I just can’t do it.
Stupid shyness, go away; Damn you fears, leave me alone!
Ah the joys of always learning and growing.

In other news, my home server has been down for…. the whole freakin summer!
Kinda sucked, but I’m really glad that none of my data or hard drives decided to crash on me over this summer heat. I’m not back up and running with the latest version of Ubuntu. Awesomeness. Now I’m going through and setting up my backup scheduling and plans once again. So for now, I must synchronize everything once, and then set up the schedule. The joy of computing! The joy of not loosing data and having failsafe backups!!!

Also, I love my new Nikon D80. I sleep every night with it in my arms. Well, ok not really, but I do cherish it. I’m getting some dazlin pictures with it, plus having lots of fun. See some of my newest photographs! Photography has always been in my heart, I’m so glad to be able to pursue it once more with vigor!

Add comment September 4th, 2007 at 11:44pm John

Damn today was tiring.  I was sweating buckets like I had just ran a marathon through hell. There is really no way for me to be able to keep up with school and work this semester. So, sorry work, we’ve had a great run, and I love ya and all, but this just isn’t going to work.

I know I know, it was a match made in heaven. But things have changed. We’ve both grown, and I’ve grown apart. I’m just being pulled in too many directions to really give you the attention you deserve. Someone else will come along, don’t you worry. You’ve been a great ole gale, but I gotta say adious. We were never in it for the long term, and never did we discuss marriage, but I know there will be some pain from this departure. Keep you head up high and hold your hopes to the sky; I know you’ll be ok.

Add comment August 28th, 2007 at 06:15pm John

I just found out that someone is copying some of my posts:

Mine, Thiers.

What The Eff is going on?
I mean, a blatant rip off word for word! It even has links back to my very own poems!

How strange you are internet people, how strange indeed.

If you run the MiniSky blog, you should be contacting me very soon.

1 comment August 24th, 2007 at 07:01pm John

I’m totally ready for school to begin. This summer has been long and hard. It certainly didn’t start off as I had planned and I ended up staying instead of going. Boo. After I finished crying in my virtual beer [cause I don't really drink beer] I started up a freelance job. The job wasn’t supposed to be too hard and I thought it would take me about 1 month to finish off. Well it took me about 2 months and 1 week to do and I worked on it all the freaking time. Day and night, night and day I was a working. Alas, it is finished and I am really happy with the results. I had what I’ll consider a bad contract that didn’t quite leave me paid my normal fees, but the client was swell and paid me more than what we had contracted. I was really happy about that. I got to do some camping, well just once, but it was fun. I also just recently got back from a trip to our nations capital [Washington, DC] and had a freakin blast. Work has been, lets say, interesting. Half of my department has left and it is getting kinda scary and crazy there. Needless to say that with half of the department gone, with someone almost always on vacation, and with my boss who is never in their office, the workload has certainly increased. With the increased workload comes increased stress, and stress is never fun. On a brighter side I should be purchasing a new Nikon D80 sometime next week! I’m supper excited about it. I really want to get back into photography and playing music. So I’ve set some goals for myself. Having a new digital camera will certainly help me reach those goals too! So please please August 27th get here soon.

Add comment August 15th, 2007 at 10:24pm John