I feel like nobody wants me around. If for some reason they have me around it is just to get something from me. This is how I feel. I know that I am probably making lots of things up. I feel like I get stood up a lot by friends. Like no one ever calls me. Like no one is ever having fun when I’m around. I’m sure it is all my fault, and I’m sure it is all in my head, but it doesn’t stop myself from feeling it.
Add comment August 19th, 2006 at 05:13pm John
Man, I’m so fucking lame. I mean I just feel like my life is entirely lame right now.
I feel lame, lame, lame.
Lame.
7 comments August 11th, 2006 at 06:07pm John
After having about 15 hours of dreams last night about Michelle, and talking to her for about 1 1/4 hours tonight I am coming closer to understanding our relationship and current situation. There is no spoon. That is to say that there is no answer right now. I believe [from both the dreams and conversation with Michelle] that God is telling me to wait, wait, wait, and then …. wait some more. I am pushed to brink of patienence and then asked if I could hold on just a bit longer. Truely this is maddening and drives me a bit yonkers. Nothing has changed in our situation, except our deeping understanding of it. Our understanding right now is that we just don’t fucking know. Life is a bit nuts and continues to throw unexpected straight balls at me. You know after continuous fast balls, you excpect a curve once in a while, but alas God works in mysterious ways.
I end tonight going to be with a smile on my face because I got to talk [in length] with a woman that I admire and am still deeply in love with. How does it feel to know that someone is waiting for you?
Add comment July 27th, 2006 at 11:19pm John
[a first draft]
keys hesitate in a stubborn lock, going in has never been easy. As the door knob turns my eyes overflow with tears that anticipate this old, empty, stale apartment.
Though I am greeted by life of the four legged kind my mind perceives the sheer blackness of a lonesome home waiting at the top of these stairs.
My legs work through the emotions and slowly ascend; with each step my heart drops lower and lower and lower and lower until I must drag it beneath me clanging like an anchor on the ocean floor.
These days the tears come easy, steadily, with or without reason. I am weak. No longer the strong man I have always pretended to be. Sometimes you can hear my screams three floors down for God to let me die, though I can not fall by my own hand.
Each day I awake; surprised to be living and breathing inside of these empty, hole-ridden walls. The neighbors here must now be used to this plea for death.
If only I could get her to see that I am the man for her. If once again I could hold her companionship in my arms as I lay kisses upon her body.
Though my heart still beats, I know that things inside have perspired, but when the funeral procession came rolling through, not one soul stood to grieve their passing.
The fear that clamps me into a tiny ball of flesh on the carpet is that never again will I be able to touch that which I love, never again to be close enough to smell her, never again to hold hands without clasping, never to whisper a thousand loves in a room of strangers, never again to kiss her very soul, never to see the universe so small in her eyes.
Oh my love, my heart, ma belle. If only in my memory, I shall grow old with you.
Add comment July 23rd, 2006 at 08:40pm John
I mean really. I just don’t have very much to say lately. I am still having bouts of sadness over Michelle. Everyone urges me to move on, I pray and pray on the matter and still I come out confused. I bought a 93 Saturn SC2 last weekend and I have spent every waking hour this past week working on it. The motor is in great shape but the body needed lots of work. Right now it is 3 different colors, but I will have it painted soon! The interior was very very dirty so hurray for Armor All, that shit works wonders. Some of the interior paneling is in bad shape, I’m not sure if I am willing to replace it, but I really don’t like it how it is now. I was at my parents until wednesday working on the car, because my dad has lots more tools that I, so now I am back home in B-town. I worked out a schedule so far with my boss on the football team and it looks like I will still be able to work for them for the entire season!!! I also recieved a call yesterday from the IU Alumni Association. I applied for a web designer position with them at the very begining of the summer. They did not hire me then, but called yesterday to ask if I was still interested in a 20 hour a week position. They will call me early next week with more information and to let me know if I will be hired. This is good news because after fixing up my saturn and taking Ethel to the vet I am shit broke. I did not really plan on this but Ethel needed to see the vet for what I thought was some skin condition. It turns out that she had a small flea problem that her body did not like on bit. Her skin is pink and spotted, plus she has scratched herself in certain places way too much leading to some scabbing and bleeding. Nothing serious but I had to get her checked out. The vet sent me home with tons of meds and stuff for Ethel. We also got all of her vacines taken care of, we tested her for heartworms, and since she came out negative, we started a heart worm prevention medication for her. All of this came to …… way fucking more than I expected. This is the life of a dog owner and I love my Ethel very very much. Her health is very important to me and I will do what is needed.
I guess I did have a little to say, but much still feels the same for me. I have just have one last thing to say, something always on my mind.
I miss you Michelle, and I love you so very much. When can I see you again?
Add comment July 21st, 2006 at 04:13pm John
Well hello again everyone,
I come to you today with an update to my life. As you might know I recently have stopped taking [in accordance with my doctor] my once daily regiment of Lexapro for Major Depressive Disorder. This effort of stepping off the medication has proven, for the most part, quite easy. I have experienced side effects only a small handfull of times. The most notable side effect I experienced was uncontrollable crying, and what a weird side effect! I would be sitting and watching some tv, or surfing the old internet and out of nowhere I would just start crying. Normally this crying would last less than a minute, but what a strange thing to start crying for no known reason. Side effects have pretty much ceased and my life is going on normally. I would say that Lexapro did the trick and my body is now able to produce enough serotonin on its own! Go Body!!!
Side notes:
I will be camping this weekend on Racoon Lake with friends. I should be getting a car on Sat. If all goes well this will be a 1993 Saturn SC2. On Monday I will be with my parents to help them move. After monday I have nothing to really do until school starts. I could use a small part time job, or a web site project to give me a little more money. Cool Stuff!!
Add comment July 14th, 2006 at 01:55pm John
[edit]: I could not get FAlbum working again, so unfortunatly no pictures until I get back 
Hello everyone,
I am going to be leaving town for about 5-6 days to stay with my parents for a little bit just outside of Indy [Party on Friday night at the Alley Cat]. They have no form of communication, other than word of mouth, so I will obviously be out of communication Have no fear my darling Internet, I will be back for you soon….but only to leave again. Soon I will start [sometime next week] my road excursion. Where I go, the wind only knows. So in the meantime take care of youself, stay off illegal drugs, and have fun and jazzy jazzy stuff.
p.s.
Today is the last day of Lexapro for me!!!! Everything seems to be going well and I hope to not have to be on medication forever. This trial will be good and we will see if my body can handle this seritonin stuff all on its own.
Add comment July 6th, 2006 at 06:05pm John
Today marks the first day without meds!!! Hurrah!
I am now on my last week of stepping off my medication. I take half a pill (5mg) of the Lexapro every other day. So tomorrow I will take it, the next day I won’t. My last day of meds is July 6th. This is a test to see if my body can handle producing enough seritonin on its own. So far, so good. I can’t wait to not take medication anymore. If today is any indication of what is going to happen, then all will be well. I really didn’t even notice not taking medication until about one hour ago, that is how normal I felt. Awesome stuff. I am really hyped about this!
Also, for those who know me in the flesh:
I will be taking you all out for drinks this coming friday, July 7th. Meet me at the Alley Cat in Broadriple! Fun will be had. After that I plan on cruising around the county for a month or so. It shall be fun fun fun. Hopefully everything goes smoothly and I won’t be back for a good few weeks. I can’t wait. I think a good trip like this all alone will be really good for me. So, if you know of anywhere cool to visit in the continental US. Please let me know!
Add comment July 1st, 2006 at 11:57pm John
Wow, it has been nearly 3 months and I still have yet to find a job. Either I really suck, or Bloomington’s job market is very very terrible. I’m not quite sure how i’m surviving considering that I spent my last two dollars on bread sometime early last week. Life is utterly crazy, crazy I tell you, crazy.
In the mean time I try to live and not be bored. This is especially hard when you do not have a job, and do not have money. Alas, I am trying very hard. I am trying to do more athletic things, like basketball, frisbee, biking, running like a mad man down the street at 3:00am towards the hordes of drunk students, stuff like that.
I am also on week two of my program to step off of Lexapro. My doctor and I designed a program so that I would take 10mg of Lexapro one day, 5mg the next day. This would go on for one week. Then I would take just 5mg of Lexapro everyday for one week [that is this week!], and next week I will take just 5mg of Lexapro every other day. That means by July 6th I will completely be off of my medication, Hurray!!! This is just a trial to see how things go, but so far things are ok. The first day I took just 5mg of Lexapro I had lots of crazy unexplainable emotions. I wanted to cry for no reason in the middle of the Alley Cat [a broadripple bar]. Things have since gotten better and I really can’t tell much of difference in my emotions from one dosage to the next. This seems very good for me and might mean that my body can now produce enough Serotonin on its very own! Though nothing will be completely sure until about two weeks after the Lexapro is completely out of my body. So July will be interesting, and I should know for sure by Aug wether or not I will need to take medication for the rest of my natural life. Let us hope not.
It hurts, it hurts real bad when I hear you say that you sleep with him every night. Tears flood this keyboard, and as I type they spalsh out and onto the backs of my hands. Everything is pain. Everything is pain.
[Edit]
As much as it does hurt. It is worth it. I am following my heart, and I know it will not lead me astray. Truly do I love Michelle [ma belle] and thusly my she holds sway over thine heart. Thanks to all who help me along the way with good words of encouragment. As some say: “With the pendulum swung so far, it takes quite a while for it to come
back, if indeed it’s going to ” So wait I shall.
Add comment June 15th, 2006 at 10:15pm John
