I am a bull and something is out to get me.

Recently I meet a girl. A very attractive girl that struck me instantly.
I would like to ask this girl on a date, but I got a little drunk. I felt it would be better not to humiliate myself by slurring my words, or saying the wrong thing, so I decided to wait until a later time to ask her for a date.

Now the matador comes to play.

I find out that my friend might also be attracted to this girl. Other friends tell me this is so, but we asked [indirectly] I got no response from him. This leads me to believe that he might be into her. So a couple of days pass and still nothing. I decide to call him and ask him out right, “Are you interested in her?”. He replies and tells me that he isn’t really sure, but that if I am interested I should go ahead and pursue it. Later that night I get a text from another friend who is in the ‘know’ about the whole situation telling me that he “really likes her”.

Well fuck shit satan.

Fuck shit satan is right, the matador has come out of his gate. To pursue or not to pursue, that is the question. The real killer is that I already started the game, now I potentially look like a fool when throwing in the towel before anything starts.

Oh women of the world, how you kill us slowly and light our hearts ablaze.

Add comment February 16th, 2007 at 09:15am John

Last night I traveled up to Indy for Mr Millers 27th birthday bash.

I traveled with two bags of liquor for mixing Martinis. Everyone seemed to have a really good time. I got to see some really old friends that I haven’t seen in forever. It was truly fantastic!! I also meet some really cool new people: Mellisa, Jessica, and David.

Mellisa is Josh’s friend from when they worked at Sycamore. We talked a bit and had a good time. She liked my martinis!!!

Jessica is Mellisa’s friend. She is a writter and a poet which is really cool, so we had some good conversations (although drunkenly) about different poets.

I saw my old friend Robyn who used to live down the way from me about 4 years ago.

I also got to see Andi Travers, and the Avery’s, who hooo!!!!

You can see what happens when you leave your camera on an open table at a party by visiting my snapshots section. Overall everyone had a great time, only to be kicked out by Josh’s crazy assbag of a roommate. I hope to keep up with the new people that I meet and have new friends!!!

2 comments February 10th, 2007 at 08:44pm John

So after my first real Frat rush party on Thursday I hit up another on Saturday night. This party started out a little different as I had my B-Town crew [and other new friends] with me. We pre-partied at V’s house and had a lot of fun. We headed out to the party around 11:15 p.m. but much to my dislike [at first] we stopped off at Yogis for a little more pre-drinking. When we first got to Yogis no one wanted to leave and go with me to the party but with a little help from Mr Royal Flush [a terrific red double shot that I bought for everyone] I was able to get everyone to head over with me. We arrived and started drinking but my crew wasn’t too comfortable at the party considering they didn’t know anyone else there. They ended up leaving about 40 mins into our arrival and got a ride home from the DD of the party.

I decided to stay on for a while and see what people I could meet and learn more about the frat [Delta Kappa Epsilon, deke (pronounced deck)] from some of the guys. I was really glad that I stayed on because I had a great time. I danced, talked with a lot of people, and had some good conversations with people I did not know. I left around 3:30 pretty drunk and made it home safely. All in all everything went really well by the end of the night, I made some new friends, and generally stepped outside my once social bubble.

Much to the surprise of people that have known me for a good amount of time, I am actually thinking of …. pledging! I know, I know, please don’t disown me. I am just being myself and having a good time doing it. You may say that this is totally out of character but in reality it isn’t. This isn’t a typical Frat and is much like the Frat of my great friend Mark for which I’m basically an honorary member. Don’t worry, there will be more on this to come as I mull it over in my head. Let the ranting and surprised comments commence!

Add comment February 4th, 2007 at 09:38pm John

I’m so sick of not having friends. At most I have 7. I have buddies in class, but I don’t know how to break the classroom relationship to make it into a friendship and hang out with these people. ARGG!!!

Add comment January 23rd, 2007 at 08:28pm John

Well fuck.

I waited for two whole long as hell weeks to get the news on Friday evening at 5:15pm just as I was about to leave.

“John, we’ve offered the job to someone else”

Fuck, what. I worked so hard. This can’t be real.

“You were the by far the favorite canididate”

What the fuck, why then are you giving my fucking job away, why is this slipping through my hands. The world is getting dark

“The canididate just had so many years of experience as a C# developer, we had to take him”

Shit, who is he? I think I’ll break his fucking eyeballs. See him develop in Visual Studio then!

“Just hang tight though John, we may have something opening up for you real soon”

Ya when this old fuck head who doesn’t have a real career and decides to steal my job takes the big full time programmer job that I’m ultimately after. Sure then you will offer me his old job. Fuck.

Quite a discouraging end to an otherwise good Friday and decent week. I was pretty fucking down for quite some time after work. I feel better now [after a strong Martini]. Perhaps they will create another programmer position very soon, after all their budget is “virtually unlimited”.

In the game of life some win, some loose, and some get bent over backwards to take it up the ass from the winners until finally someone lets them win. I think I might be in the last category.

Add comment January 19th, 2007 at 09:19pm John

This year I decided [like about 14 billion other people] to work out. My end goal was to loose the very small amount of tummy fat that I have and add muscle. I don’t want to be Mr Macho Man or anything, but some good muscle definition and body tone would be great.

My goal is to go to the gym for 1 hour twice a week and eventually ramp it up to 3 times per week. I want to spend 30 mins in cardio workouts and 30 mins in strength. I thought this was a good goal to set and figured that I would be able to meet this goal within 2-3 weeks.

To my suprise I went to the gym tonight [the SRSC] and did a cardio workout for 30 mins [running] and then spend 30 mins total on different strength machines. I worked out my back, then my arms, then my chest, and ended with my legs. I felt a little wobley coming out of the gym, and it really felt great. I was able to meet my goals the very first night! I also lifted more than I thought I could. This is a really great start as with being pretty skinny it was hard mentally to walk into the strength room and sit down on several different machines. I made myself sit in the front of the room also [no hidding this handsome face in the back]. Since I was able to meet my goals tonight it will be much easier for me to go back in on Wednesday and work out for the full hour again. My body will surely be more sore on Wednesday but I can make it though the soreness, the mental act of going is really the hardest thing.

All in all I feel great. I am an amazingly handsome face, charming personality, fantastically intellectual mind, and soon a great looking tone and muscular [though not overly so] body! Go me!

Add comment January 15th, 2007 at 11:02pm John

I have voices in my head. You have voices in your head as well. In fact, everyone in the world has voices in their head. I even imagine that deaf persons have voices in their heads.

The problem is not that we have voices, the problem can be the voice’s attitudes. yes indeed they have attitudes themselves. There are many many a voices inside my wonderfully large head. Different voices advise me in different ways. They tell me to be passive, aggressive, to speak, to shut my stinkin mouth, to fight, to flight. Anything and everything in between.

My ‘problem’ as of late is that my ‘main’ voice has been quite aggressive. Not in the ‘you won’t like me when I’m angry’ kind of aggressive, but in the ‘let’s go break shit tonight’. While this has proven well for my art class, and my clay scuplture certainly, it also has its down sides. I walk around tense lately. I can feel it in the way my feet smack the pavement of the sidewalk. I can feel it in my eyes as they burn the driver of a car who dared to try and not let me cross. My shoulders have been very tense, my head has pounded, and my pace [of everything] has quickened.

I think it might just be the time of year, as everything is transitioning to death. Though there is a voice [one of the many] that is telling me that my aggressive feelings have nothing to do with the season’s change but have everything to do with school and work. Neither of which is very stressful by themselves, but combine both along with my always present financial difficulties and boom, something starts to make sense. So as the year winds down and the landscape around me slowly melts into death, my work load grows heavy and my classwork intense. At this time of year I also find myself thinking way too much about next semester [for which I will have three very very intense classes all with very very long intense labs]. I am not really sure why this aggression is peaking though I have traversed many of the paths the voices speak to me. So if any readers have good advice on ways of getting out my aggression, please let me know. Until the time when this passes [and surely it will], please don’t be too offended when I brush up against you and push you out into the street in front of oncoming cars as I briskly pass by.

Add comment November 9th, 2006 at 07:29pm John

Is everything going down hill again?

I think it might be. You see usually when everyone ditches me, this is a good sign. Maybe I’ve been more of an asshole lately. Maybe I’ve completely partied everyone out. Maybe I’ve been throwing myself pity parties and I just don’t know it yet. I am not sure what the real ‘problem’ [only because it is a problem to me] is, but I know that I want to fix it.

Perhaps though I like the down stages. They do make the upswings much more enjoyable. In life you can not have the good without the bad. I mean my life has plenty of bad [but I don't want to throw a pity party here], but my life has also generally had lots of good in it as well, as much as I may not admit it right now.

You see though I may be a pesimistic right now, I am usually optimistic as hell. I’m the ‘every thing happens for a reason’ kinda guy. You know ‘God works in mysterious ways’. Sometimes I really think God is working backwards though, yet still I pray for perhaps one specific thing and radomly God acts swiftly and directly. Though that is not what this post is about.

Getting back to the point here, I really think life is just going to shit right now. Perhaps it is just because my financial world is collapsing around me. Perhaps it is because I am lonely and I feel like my friends keep ditching me. Perhaps I’m making all of this up, I’m sure to be blowing everything out of porportion here.

I’m posting this now, without review, as I am completely ‘in it’ right now. I hope this is semi understandable.

Add comment October 30th, 2006 at 12:46pm John

If you suffer from depression or know someone who does, then you probably know what I am talking about.

Radomly crying is when you begin to cry for no reason at all. Nothing has provoked you, nothing has really even changed. For some unknown reason though you begin to cry. Sometimes it is only very little as you instantly hold yourself back from balling away. Sometimes you cry for a good few minutes, but sometimes, just sometimes you cry for hours on end. These crys are very very odd. When it happens to me I feel totally out of control of my body. I also feel out of my mind. I mean wtf did I start crying for, and if I can not find a reason then why can I not stop crying?

The true answer here is chemicals. Depression is thought to be brought on by both circumstances [once or twice in life] or by a lack of a chemical in the brain known as serotonin. This little bably is what doctors believe controls of stable our emotion line is. Everybodys emotion fluctuates up and down, but depressives stable line [or middle line] is generally below that of average. While manic depressives’ [another form of depression] emotion line fluctuates either at much higher or lower intervals or it flucuates in a more extreme matter.

Therefore I’ve come to the conclusion that a radom cry is just my serotonin level dropping suddenly below my stable emotion line. Nothing has really changed, but this is certainly a good sign that you serotonin levels might not be stable, and therefore clinical depression could be an issue.

If you suffer from random crying, much like I do, please do yourself a favor and get help from a doctor. The answer is not always lifelong medication. In fact most depressives are able to come off medication within one to two years. I myself found that my serotonin levels were eventually able to smooth themselves out to stability, they just need a little coaxing from some doctor prescribed chemicals.

21 comments October 22nd, 2006 at 12:12am John

My thoughts of late have been running quite wild. This semester’s classes have been the most intense of any so far. I do not find time to update my blog or rework any of my sites. In reality I rarely find time to finish all of the features on my church’s website. I haven’t actually been to church in about 1.5 months now. I am to tired on Sunday mornings to go. I wish badly that we had a night service there. All in all what I’m trying to stay is that I am staying busy.

That is what they told me to do, all of them. The real doctors, the head doctors, the aspiring doctors, the witch doctors, and the ‘I want to give advice’ friend doctors. Stay busy and things will smooth themselves out. Well, all in all this is true. It is true not because your daily life fills you so much that you no longer experience pain, but because you daily life gets so full that all emotion gets pushed out the third story window of your apartment and onto the thorned bushes below. This however is not entirely true and only works in theory. I have found that though my emotions have been pushed to back of the broom closet, I can still hear them. They are screaming. An almost silent scream that sounds more like your imagination than a physical sound. Though faint the screams make it to the top of my conscious like nails against a blackboard or a sore on the top of your inner mouth. My emotions almost hesitate to break out but every car crash leaves a wound and they come flying towards me. When this happens I literally reel around in my head knocked around by thier very speed. And it all comes back to me. Michelle, Love, John Wayne, passion, lies, breakup, death, and her life afterwards. I can not help but to love her dearly. I can not help my wandering brain from traversing down the path of ‘what if’s’. I can not stop the wheels of thought from traveling every road I ever thought could make me happy. Maybe I was born with a broken heart.
They say that time heals all.

I guess I haven’t lived very long.

Add comment October 16th, 2006 at 08:56pm John