It’s a question asked of me by many a people.
It’s a question I’m never sure how to answer.

What do people really want to know when asking this question?
Do they want to know what I’m physically doing, and where I’m physically doing what I happen to be doing? Or perhaps they would like to know what I happen to be thinking. Or perhaps that actually want to know what I plan on doing. If this is the case, how long of a time line would these people like for me to describe? I’m unsure. But here goes:

Well I’m currently writing this web blog. I’m in the Informatics lobby and many people are coming and going from classes. This just happens to be the place to hang out.

I’m thinking about the interactions of people. In social, physical, and virtual senses. People interact verbally and non-verbally. This is very interesting to me. People are always unpredictable and rarely completely open and honest. I strive to be open and honest at all times. I strive also to be visible and transparent in all that I do. Why should I hide what I’m thinking. Why should I hide anything from anyone. If they don’t want to know, they shouldn’t ask. If you aren’t prepared for any possible answer, how can you ask the question?

My plans are to finish this semester on a high grade point note. Projects are being completed, neural networks are being implemented, other projects are being planned, etc etc etc. Not to  mention the ever pressing inevitability of finals week. What a scary thought. After the semester I plan on working and doing Christmas things with family and friends. After that, I start my spring semester of classes and pretty blooming things. Soon after that I start my internship in Kansas City. After that I have just one semester left of classes. And then graduation. What that will be like, I’m unsure. And in borrowing some writing styles of a great author… And so on, and so on, etc etc etc.

Add comment November 29th, 2007 at 02:38pm John

A new poem: Permanent link .
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The Thick Mist

My depression is coming in like winter.
It’s cold sterile loneliness smacks you in the face.
White desolation mirrors the vast emptiness inside.

Yes my depression is setting into my soul as the sun dips into the sea.
The blackness, only moments away, brings the fear of isolation.
My heavy heart is lost to its current.

Tears wax and wane upon my eyes like the deep morning’s mist.
Barely noticeable as gravity pulls them unto her womb.
My eyes wander through mazes of sorrow.

My depression is coming in like winter.
Emotions flutter as my death rattle echoes across the land.
I am a desolate tree vacant of leaves.

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Lately I just feel awful lonely. I keep mucking up any new possible friendships with my lack of social grace. I find it incredibly hard to meet new people. Once I’ve meet them, I obsess with trying to make them my friend right away. And meeting women, forget about it. Even if I muster the courage to speak with them, I always blow it in the first couple of days. Besides any women I become interested in have established relationships already. I just don’t know what to do, or how to do what I don’t know what to do. It’s confusing, time consuming, emotionally draining, frustrating, and incredibly painful.

So tell me great people of the public, how do you meet and acquire new friendships (and possibly girlfriends)? Forever friends.

More poems for your digestion.

Add comment November 7th, 2007 at 09:59pm John

Seriously, they just don’t play well together folks.

I’ve been feeling really dumb in my emotions lately. Not that I haven’t had many emotions, but rather that the emotions I do have are rather stupid. They just don’t make any sense to me, well to my mind at least. Really, I’m an all heart guy, but I think I need to let my mind step in and straighten things out a bit. My heart is such a mess. A wild pendulum swinging back and forth and forth and back. It’s totally unpredictable to even myself. I don’t know how to handle it anymore. I have weird emotional swings from one hour to the next. First I’m sad and crying, then I’m laughing hysterically, then I’m singing aloud, then perhaps a pissy whinny stage, and possibly back to sadness.

You might call this your normal everyday depression. It certainly doesn’t feel normal to me however. So really Heart, we’ve had a good run old buddy, but I think it’s high time someone else starting making the decisions around here. Meet your new boss Brain. Brain this is Heart, Heart, Brain. It just isn’t working out. Really, I’m sorry.

[image: http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=381860781&size=m @ 10/28/2007; Creative Commons]

Add comment October 28th, 2007 at 10:19pm John

I feel tired and dreamy.
Lost, confused, and lonely.
Depressed, manic, and intelligent.
Stupid, frightful, and anxious.

Dammit. I really think I’m too old for this shit. Should I really be sleeping in until 10:30. Should I really be so deep into dreams that I hit the sleep button on my alarm clock until 30 minutes before class and then decide not to go.

I’ve so many things to do. How can anyone get senior-itis. Seriously, there seems to be a ton of extra work to do my senior year. Not only are classes just as hard, but now I have the background to put lots of thought into my classwork. Also, I have to find a career for when I graduate (Dec 2008), and this ain’t no picnic basket.

It’s kinda fun being busy, but I still lack the close relationships I desire in my life.  I have “friends”, but none whom are close. My only close friends live in Indianapolis, and when friends live in different cities they fall out of touch, at least a little bit. So my close friends in Indy are not as close of friends as they used to be.

Depression sucks. I’m just glad I was diagnosed so that I have a name for it [major depressive disorder], instead of just saying “Gosh life sucks”. Knowledge is the answer.

3 comments October 5th, 2007 at 11:26am John

Some people eat when they feel bad, they say it makes them feel happier. Well, apparently it all depends on what you are eating. That ice cream might not be so bad after all. Here is a listing of 11 food that you can eat to feel better about yourself. On the plus side, they are really tasty.

11 Mood Lifting Foods [by ririan project]

Add comment September 12th, 2007 at 02:10pm John

Damn today was tiring.  I was sweating buckets like I had just ran a marathon through hell. There is really no way for me to be able to keep up with school and work this semester. So, sorry work, we’ve had a great run, and I love ya and all, but this just isn’t going to work.

I know I know, it was a match made in heaven. But things have changed. We’ve both grown, and I’ve grown apart. I’m just being pulled in too many directions to really give you the attention you deserve. Someone else will come along, don’t you worry. You’ve been a great ole gale, but I gotta say adious. We were never in it for the long term, and never did we discuss marriage, but I know there will be some pain from this departure. Keep you head up high and hold your hopes to the sky; I know you’ll be ok.

Add comment August 28th, 2007 at 06:15pm John

What is it about June that makes me desperately depressed and makes my friends abandon me?

My life sucks. I feel terrible. I can’t, I just can’t.

Add comment June 9th, 2007 at 11:26pm John

Writers get writers block, so do designers get designers block?

Yes.

Because it is happening to me right now, and has been for a couple of weeks.

I have a freelance client that  I just can’t nail down the design of his/her site.
I can program all day long, and do just that at my work. I just can’t seem to come up with any good designs. This is really really frustrating.

Also, my boss is no good, and everyone knows it. Everyone complains about him/her, and no one does any fucking thing! Very not cool.

My heart is currently an empty, starving, beast of an idiot. I think that pretty well sums it up.

Add comment June 6th, 2007 at 09:06pm John

Sometimes life hands you a shit platter and holds a gun to your head until you swallow the last bite. I feel like I’ve been eating at the same restaurant for a fucking month. I keep getting feed the shit platter. I keep swallowing. In my head I tell myself that it soon will be over. Something will come through. Just keep trying. Hold your up head and work harder. Keep working harder and life will work out. Someday I may just get served a nice juicy New York strip with a fine glass of red wine. This is the picture I have in my head. I hope that my hard work pays off in the end. I hope I’m not wasting my fucking life away. I hope I can make something out of this.

I think my summer may well be ruined. I’m thankful for air conditioning because I will probably hide all summer long in my poorly lit apartment with my dog and the glow of my macbook to keep me company.

Add comment May 14th, 2007 at 06:39pm John

I thought that when spring rolled around that depression was supposed to start rolling slowly back to  the depths from which it came. I was wrong. I am wrong every year. Just when the weather starts looking up,  I start once again looking down. Though I am now able [after years of hard battle and medication] to hold myself together, I still find myself beating myself up. And why you may ask? Well, I just don’t f-ing know, leave me alone. Some people call themselves crazy because it makes things easier for them, but me, I have a piece of paper to prove it.

Work is getting less fun also. The tension between the boss, and the rest of my department is growing. We have only 2 weeks before the new CEO takes over, and we are all awaiting the day.

My love life, oh wait … , I have no love life.

My family is ok, nothing good, but nothing they haven’t handled before.

My friends are awesome, most of the time. Here’s to you J.Z., you rock!

I just wish I could look up at life and say hello, how are ya? Myself, ya I’m doing pretty fucking good, thanks for asking. But alas during these dark fucking mornings I do not find myself doing any such thing. Perhaps the sun will roll round once again in my life and shine and let the pretty things come to play. How I miss the pretty things.

Add comment March 19th, 2007 at 06:40pm John