Lately I’ve felt a creative lull. I’ve been working on my Picture A Day project now for over 6 months. I have yet to miss one single day. I feel proud of that fact, but I also feel like I’m in a bit of a rut. When I first started this project I saw my photography skills jump quite often. Now, not so much. I’m still learning new things, it just isn’t happening as fast.

This my be in part due to the fact that I’m stuck in a dorm room (with a roommate) for the summer. I wasn’t able to bring all of my equipment (which isn’t much, but helped) and I don’t have much room with which to work. There is also the fact that the people surrounding me are not the creative or artistic types. They are beer drinking sports guys, you know guys guys. Which is cool and all, I know personally that the dose of masculinity has been good for me. The problem is that I can’t find much inspiration around me in the dorm. I would love to get out into Kansas City and explore the arts, but I can’t find anyone who is willing to do this with me. Meeting people that I really get along with has been a constant problem in my life. I don’t think I’m social enough to meet people in a ‘cold’ environment. In some circumstances I’m fine, but most I’m just terrible. So for now, I continue on clinging to that last little bit of creativity I have for the moment, but I’m lacking overall vision. In many many ways I feel like I’m lacking vision. So tonight, in the midst of all my goings on, as well as some strange looks, outburst, and laughter, I shoot this photograph. I hope you enjoy. I hope you feel. I hope you see.

Lacking Vision

Add comment June 16th, 2008 at 11:42pm John

Today there was rain, lots of rain. In fact, you could easily say that there was a flood of rain today; but we won’t.

I’ve never really liked the rain. It always decides to cling to my glasses and screw with my vision. Damn you rain, I need to see. Today, it also messed up other things. I had planned what might be my only camping trip of the summer (sad, I know) for tomorrow. However, due to the flooding rains (that are set to continue tomorrow), I will not be camping. I’m terribly sad for this. I miss the great outdoors, especially considering that I’ve been sick with bronchitis for the past three weeks. I just want to go and explore, hike, enjoy nature, and shoot some photographs. What’s so hard about letting me do that nature, huh?

So, even though great Mother Nature has decided to thwart my plans to enjoy her beauty tomorrow, I did manage to enjoy a bit today. The rain was long and hard. It made me sad. And as I was looking out my window, I saw my sadness reflected. Here is that sadness captured and held in ransom until Mother Nature gives me back my camping trip.

There’s Sadness in the Rain

1 comment May 7th, 2008 at 09:16pm John

Over the last couple of days I been working on a photo project depicting depression.
I’ve posted my photos on Flickr [like always], but I thought I would post a couple here as well. I would like to start a transition of this blog into a photo blog. I don’t post too much text anymore. In fact, I don’t really write much anymore. I guess writing just comes and goes like the phases of the moon. So, without further ado, here are two pictures from my depression series.

It’s a Cold and Lonely World

Breath Is Just A Clock Ticking

Add comment May 3rd, 2008 at 09:47pm John

So, as you might recall, perhaps in horror, I recently did post about the good possibility, nah, the near sure probability of ruining any chance with the new girl.

Good news everyone!

I was so “gone” on NYE that I actually had no clue what said girl spoke to me at the end of the night that caused my blow out. Well it was nothing serious. I was just way to dramatic and completely too serious about the whole thing and relationship, if you can call it that.

Girl and I have decided to continue to casually date. Huzzah!

What have I learned from all of this craziness? Play it cool man, like The Fonz. There is no damn need to be all crazy dramatic. There is no need to be so serious this early in the game. Just play it out and be the cool guy. I’ve learned not to call very often right away. To let the girls call me. Well, this one must like me pretty well in order to continue casually dating after the NYE night ending fiasco.

Of course keeping busy also helps. Now I have classes once again and I’m still working the same. Starting my new Picture A Day project also helps immensely. It gives me something to look forward to every day, helps my photography skills, helps me to feel productive, and helps me feel more connected to the world. You can read about it, check out the Flickr feed, or view the postings directly on my blog; Be sure to leave me any thoughts or comments. It was a good project to start, and I’m sure that it wasn’t a coincidence. Thanks to two great friends for helping me through the toughness and really speaking clearly to me, even though they slept on my sofa bed NYE without a proper blanket!

So, Who’s cool and has two thumbs?
This guy!

Add comment January 8th, 2008 at 03:07pm John

So I’ve started a “Picture A Day” project, sometimes called “Project 365″.

I will take at least one good picture per day and upload them.

I haven’t quite decided how I’m going to post each picture main because I don’t want to post something every single day. So I’ll be updating you as to how I plan on sharing this project with you the world. What I do know is that each picture will be uploaded to Flickr in a set called “Picture A Day 2008“. You can also view the photos right here on my blog. I shall do my best to keep everything up to date, and I will do my absolute best to take 1 good photograph per day. My goal is to hone my photography skills and get more intimate with my camea [oh yeah!]

Here is Jan 02, 2008

Add comment January 2nd, 2008 at 09:58pm John

NYE rocked. I had lots of fun, even though IU lost. Went to a pretty kickin party at Space 101 and danced like a fool. I even got a great new year’s kiss.

Sadly the night ended with my usually problems. Over enthusiastic, lack of control, and complete drama. I’m pretty sure I ruined any chances I might have had with this new girl.

I guess you can’t win em all. I’m not even sure how interested she was to begin with.

My new year’s resolutions:

get in better physical shape
take, and post,  1 picture a day
become a better photographer
be more understanding
have better self control in relationships
love more

Add comment January 1st, 2008 at 08:09pm John

I hate the waiting game. Am I being too pushy, too much; maybe I’m in contact too little, maybe you think it says that I don’t like you very much.

I write, I instant message, I call and leave a voice mail. I wait. I wait. I wait. Sure I understand you have things to do, you have a life. I just feel like it’s some crazy game. When do I make contact, how often, and at what time of day. Do I wait for you to respond before making contact again? Do I need a specific reason to make contact? Too many questions.

I just want to get to know you. I like you. I really like you.

But how do I handle the game. Even if neither one of us wants to play the effing game we still get caught in it’s tango. Shit, this is crazy. There are way too many factors to fuck up here. Should it really be this complicated? Is it really this complicated? Maybe all or most of the complications and games are in my head. Maybe it’s a one player game and I’m somehow kicking my own ass?

I feel like I must have been successful at this before. I’ve had girlfriends before. Really really good looking girl friends. I must have done something right. I just can’t remember being this crazy about it before hand. Maybe this just happens each time I meet a girl I like and then I forget about it. Arrrggg. It’s so damn confusing, time consuming, stressfull, and unproductive.

What to do, what to do, what to do?

I guess for now I must play the waiting game, so it goes. I’ll be waiting a mi bella, I’ll be waiting.

Add comment December 22nd, 2007 at 11:49pm John

I hoping, nay praying, begging, and pleading to not fuck this one up.

I met you at a show with a Japanese looking fellow who kind of looks like a girl from behind as the main singer. He rocked my socks off, not literally of course because I was also wearing shoes, but figuratively.

The truth is you rocked my socks off much harder and faster. I saw you walking and I melted a little inside. This wasn’t because of the alcohol that I had been consuming. Nay it was your presence.

I tried to dance, we yelled loud enough to hear each other talk during the breaks, I bought you a Harp, and we rejoiced. Less than 24 hours later I saw you again from a short distance.

This time it was planned. Even your silhouette looked great. I tried complementing your amazingly stylish black dress with my sudo-mod black shirt and silver tie. It was a nerve wrecking night of meeting all of your friends while not getting too much of a chance to talk to you. The night started winding down and we talked a little more. We headed out to a bar with those who were still at the party and talked some more. I attempted a wink and looked more like I was trying to catch a fly with my eyelashes, we laughed. Soon we left and I walked you home. You were the brave one and took my arm first. I was so shy. As the night air quickly froze my breath I clasped your hand in mine and felt my blood temperature shoot to the sky. Back inside your house I nervously talked to you while my mind was bending around our soon to be first kiss. Fireworks, rockets, and a million twinkling stars shoot off your lips as they touched mine. I was hooked.

The next evening we had plans for dinner and a movie. So classic, but ever so fitting. Dinner was short and sweet while the movie was emotional and funny. I tried not to let the night end so easily. We decided to get some drinks and talk so more. In a nearly empty bar with the worst music selection ever we intertwined questions and stories getting to know each other better and better with each word. I shot off some horrid questions and immediately told you not to answer, you did the same once in my direction. The night kept growing and time turned on us.

We made it back to your place. After a little more talk over a cigarette we kissed once more, twice more, three, four, and five times more. I hoped to not leave your back porch until the sun arose, but alas we said our goodbyes while you headed inside.

And the whole of today I’ve desperately clung to my telephone hoping, praying, begging and pleading with myself to not call you so soon. I’m mesmerized and enthralled by you. I don’t want to fuck this chance up. Please God don’t let me fuck this one up like so many before. So now I sit starring at a white-board which just too recently contained the scribblings of a neural network. It reads, “Don’t call her, whatever you do, don’t call her until Tuesday.” I hope I can keep to my white-board’s declaration. After all, it’s my own nature I’m railing against.

Add comment December 16th, 2007 at 11:32pm John

Must hold on a little longer.
Sanity slipping away.
Must hold on.

Seriously, what a nightmare of a semester. [I wonder how often I've said that in Dec?]
But alas, I’m nearly through. I may not have gotten away clean, but I will have gotten through.

I have but just one last program to submit, and one last final [take home] to complete.
The semester may have not went as well as I had hoped grade wise, thanks to some shitty group project (damn you rat tail), but it won’t be too bad. I’m hoping for an A-, but I’ll probably end up with some sort of B for that class. DAMN!

The plus side is that I’ve become closer with a couple of people. I’ve also made some entirely new friends!!! I keep falling for girls with which I have no chance, but when haven’t I? Seriously I fall quicker and harder than most people I know. But hey, fuck it. At least I’m living. It was a lonely time these last few years in the dark. I feel like I’ve come back out into the light, at least for a little bit at a time. I’m still opening up my shell, but I’d say it has a pretty good crack. This is in part thanks to lots of soul searching, as well as new great friends. I’m pretty damn pleased with most parts of my life right now.

Also I’ve secured a summer internship that is most likely going to lead to a full time job.
That’s pretty effing sweet!

So, eat your heart out Major Depressive Disorder, John Wayne is kicking ass and taking your name!

Add comment December 11th, 2007 at 09:23pm John

It’s a question asked of me by many a people.
It’s a question I’m never sure how to answer.

What do people really want to know when asking this question?
Do they want to know what I’m physically doing, and where I’m physically doing what I happen to be doing? Or perhaps they would like to know what I happen to be thinking. Or perhaps that actually want to know what I plan on doing. If this is the case, how long of a time line would these people like for me to describe? I’m unsure. But here goes:

Well I’m currently writing this web blog. I’m in the Informatics lobby and many people are coming and going from classes. This just happens to be the place to hang out.

I’m thinking about the interactions of people. In social, physical, and virtual senses. People interact verbally and non-verbally. This is very interesting to me. People are always unpredictable and rarely completely open and honest. I strive to be open and honest at all times. I strive also to be visible and transparent in all that I do. Why should I hide what I’m thinking. Why should I hide anything from anyone. If they don’t want to know, they shouldn’t ask. If you aren’t prepared for any possible answer, how can you ask the question?

My plans are to finish this semester on a high grade point note. Projects are being completed, neural networks are being implemented, other projects are being planned, etc etc etc. Not to  mention the ever pressing inevitability of finals week. What a scary thought. After the semester I plan on working and doing Christmas things with family and friends. After that, I start my spring semester of classes and pretty blooming things. Soon after that I start my internship in Kansas City. After that I have just one semester left of classes. And then graduation. What that will be like, I’m unsure. And in borrowing some writing styles of a great author… And so on, and so on, etc etc etc.

Add comment November 29th, 2007 at 02:38pm John