I hate the waiting game. Am I being too pushy, too much; maybe I’m in contact too little, maybe you think it says that I don’t like you very much.

I write, I instant message, I call and leave a voice mail. I wait. I wait. I wait. Sure I understand you have things to do, you have a life. I just feel like it’s some crazy game. When do I make contact, how often, and at what time of day. Do I wait for you to respond before making contact again? Do I need a specific reason to make contact? Too many questions.

I just want to get to know you. I like you. I really like you.

But how do I handle the game. Even if neither one of us wants to play the effing game we still get caught in it’s tango. Shit, this is crazy. There are way too many factors to fuck up here. Should it really be this complicated? Is it really this complicated? Maybe all or most of the complications and games are in my head. Maybe it’s a one player game and I’m somehow kicking my own ass?

I feel like I must have been successful at this before. I’ve had girlfriends before. Really really good looking girl friends. I must have done something right. I just can’t remember being this crazy about it before hand. Maybe this just happens each time I meet a girl I like and then I forget about it. Arrrggg. It’s so damn confusing, time consuming, stressfull, and unproductive.

What to do, what to do, what to do?

I guess for now I must play the waiting game, so it goes. I’ll be waiting a mi bella, I’ll be waiting.

Add comment December 22nd, 2007 at 11:49pm John

I hoping, nay praying, begging, and pleading to not fuck this one up.

I met you at a show with a Japanese looking fellow who kind of looks like a girl from behind as the main singer. He rocked my socks off, not literally of course because I was also wearing shoes, but figuratively.

The truth is you rocked my socks off much harder and faster. I saw you walking and I melted a little inside. This wasn’t because of the alcohol that I had been consuming. Nay it was your presence.

I tried to dance, we yelled loud enough to hear each other talk during the breaks, I bought you a Harp, and we rejoiced. Less than 24 hours later I saw you again from a short distance.

This time it was planned. Even your silhouette looked great. I tried complementing your amazingly stylish black dress with my sudo-mod black shirt and silver tie. It was a nerve wrecking night of meeting all of your friends while not getting too much of a chance to talk to you. The night started winding down and we talked a little more. We headed out to a bar with those who were still at the party and talked some more. I attempted a wink and looked more like I was trying to catch a fly with my eyelashes, we laughed. Soon we left and I walked you home. You were the brave one and took my arm first. I was so shy. As the night air quickly froze my breath I clasped your hand in mine and felt my blood temperature shoot to the sky. Back inside your house I nervously talked to you while my mind was bending around our soon to be first kiss. Fireworks, rockets, and a million twinkling stars shoot off your lips as they touched mine. I was hooked.

The next evening we had plans for dinner and a movie. So classic, but ever so fitting. Dinner was short and sweet while the movie was emotional and funny. I tried not to let the night end so easily. We decided to get some drinks and talk so more. In a nearly empty bar with the worst music selection ever we intertwined questions and stories getting to know each other better and better with each word. I shot off some horrid questions and immediately told you not to answer, you did the same once in my direction. The night kept growing and time turned on us.

We made it back to your place. After a little more talk over a cigarette we kissed once more, twice more, three, four, and five times more. I hoped to not leave your back porch until the sun arose, but alas we said our goodbyes while you headed inside.

And the whole of today I’ve desperately clung to my telephone hoping, praying, begging and pleading with myself to not call you so soon. I’m mesmerized and enthralled by you. I don’t want to fuck this chance up. Please God don’t let me fuck this one up like so many before. So now I sit starring at a white-board which just too recently contained the scribblings of a neural network. It reads, “Don’t call her, whatever you do, don’t call her until Tuesday.” I hope I can keep to my white-board’s declaration. After all, it’s my own nature I’m railing against.

Add comment December 16th, 2007 at 11:32pm John

Must hold on a little longer.
Sanity slipping away.
Must hold on.

Seriously, what a nightmare of a semester. [I wonder how often I've said that in Dec?]
But alas, I’m nearly through. I may not have gotten away clean, but I will have gotten through.

I have but just one last program to submit, and one last final [take home] to complete.
The semester may have not went as well as I had hoped grade wise, thanks to some shitty group project (damn you rat tail), but it won’t be too bad. I’m hoping for an A-, but I’ll probably end up with some sort of B for that class. DAMN!

The plus side is that I’ve become closer with a couple of people. I’ve also made some entirely new friends!!! I keep falling for girls with which I have no chance, but when haven’t I? Seriously I fall quicker and harder than most people I know. But hey, fuck it. At least I’m living. It was a lonely time these last few years in the dark. I feel like I’ve come back out into the light, at least for a little bit at a time. I’m still opening up my shell, but I’d say it has a pretty good crack. This is in part thanks to lots of soul searching, as well as new great friends. I’m pretty damn pleased with most parts of my life right now.

Also I’ve secured a summer internship that is most likely going to lead to a full time job.
That’s pretty effing sweet!

So, eat your heart out Major Depressive Disorder, John Wayne is kicking ass and taking your name!

Add comment December 11th, 2007 at 09:23pm John