Seriously, they just don’t play well together folks.

I’ve been feeling really dumb in my emotions lately. Not that I haven’t had many emotions, but rather that the emotions I do have are rather stupid. They just don’t make any sense to me, well to my mind at least. Really, I’m an all heart guy, but I think I need to let my mind step in and straighten things out a bit. My heart is such a mess. A wild pendulum swinging back and forth and forth and back. It’s totally unpredictable to even myself. I don’t know how to handle it anymore. I have weird emotional swings from one hour to the next. First I’m sad and crying, then I’m laughing hysterically, then I’m singing aloud, then perhaps a pissy whinny stage, and possibly back to sadness.

You might call this your normal everyday depression. It certainly doesn’t feel normal to me however. So really Heart, we’ve had a good run old buddy, but I think it’s high time someone else starting making the decisions around here. Meet your new boss Brain. Brain this is Heart, Heart, Brain. It just isn’t working out. Really, I’m sorry.

[image: http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=381860781&size=m @ 10/28/2007; Creative Commons]

Add comment October 28th, 2007 at 10:19pm John

I feel tired and dreamy.
Lost, confused, and lonely.
Depressed, manic, and intelligent.
Stupid, frightful, and anxious.

Dammit. I really think I’m too old for this shit. Should I really be sleeping in until 10:30. Should I really be so deep into dreams that I hit the sleep button on my alarm clock until 30 minutes before class and then decide not to go.

I’ve so many things to do. How can anyone get senior-itis. Seriously, there seems to be a ton of extra work to do my senior year. Not only are classes just as hard, but now I have the background to put lots of thought into my classwork. Also, I have to find a career for when I graduate (Dec 2008), and this ain’t no picnic basket.

It’s kinda fun being busy, but I still lack the close relationships I desire in my life.  I have “friends”, but none whom are close. My only close friends live in Indianapolis, and when friends live in different cities they fall out of touch, at least a little bit. So my close friends in Indy are not as close of friends as they used to be.

Depression sucks. I’m just glad I was diagnosed so that I have a name for it [major depressive disorder], instead of just saying “Gosh life sucks”. Knowledge is the answer.

3 comments October 5th, 2007 at 11:26am John