The best advice I’ve ever heard in my entire long long life is:Fake it till you make it.

But does this work for happiness? I’ve tried and I’m not convinced that it does.

Add comment March 29th, 2007 at 01:25pm John

I thought that when spring rolled around that depression was supposed to start rolling slowly back to  the depths from which it came. I was wrong. I am wrong every year. Just when the weather starts looking up,  I start once again looking down. Though I am now able [after years of hard battle and medication] to hold myself together, I still find myself beating myself up. And why you may ask? Well, I just don’t f-ing know, leave me alone. Some people call themselves crazy because it makes things easier for them, but me, I have a piece of paper to prove it.

Work is getting less fun also. The tension between the boss, and the rest of my department is growing. We have only 2 weeks before the new CEO takes over, and we are all awaiting the day.

My love life, oh wait … , I have no love life.

My family is ok, nothing good, but nothing they haven’t handled before.

My friends are awesome, most of the time. Here’s to you J.Z., you rock!

I just wish I could look up at life and say hello, how are ya? Myself, ya I’m doing pretty fucking good, thanks for asking. But alas during these dark fucking mornings I do not find myself doing any such thing. Perhaps the sun will roll round once again in my life and shine and let the pretty things come to play. How I miss the pretty things.

Add comment March 19th, 2007 at 06:40pm John

In real life I frequently live inside of my own head. I visualize abstract things. I visualize PHP code, or that JavaScript function that will perfectly complete my design. I dream these things as well. Sometimes I don’t even notice that my mind is wandering and when I come ‘to’ I find myself wondering how long I had been ‘out’. I no longer keep close track of time, so minutes can easily slip by my eyes without notice. I fantasize, I dream of what may yet come to pass, I think up incredibly wonderful and absurd tasks for myself, I play out dialogues and situations in many possible ways, I dance and laugh and sing. Yet strangely enough my incoherency is exactly what keeps me coherent. Sometimes I forget to blink. Sometimes I think it is very odd that I have to remind myself to blink. The tunnel of my mind is deep and black, but it is not void. In fact the tunnel of my mind is full of wild colors and flying pieces of HTML. I come back and realize the complete strangeness of my mind and find myself staring down into myself. I find that I need to be challenged. I spell horribly and I am fascinated with being in love. I like to experiment and often wonder what makes me like the things that I do like. I think I am constantly dehydrated and for the first time of my life I have fat on my belly. Perhaps I’m slowly sinking more and more into that tunnel. Maybe I’m crazy, maybe the world damn world is crazy, or perhaps I’m just a character in someone’s story.

Add comment March 2nd, 2007 at 09:17am John