Is everything going down hill again?
I think it might be. You see usually when everyone ditches me, this is a good sign. Maybe I’ve been more of an asshole lately. Maybe I’ve completely partied everyone out. Maybe I’ve been throwing myself pity parties and I just don’t know it yet. I am not sure what the real ‘problem’ [only because it is a problem to me] is, but I know that I want to fix it.
Perhaps though I like the down stages. They do make the upswings much more enjoyable. In life you can not have the good without the bad. I mean my life has plenty of bad [but I don't want to throw a pity party here], but my life has also generally had lots of good in it as well, as much as I may not admit it right now.
You see though I may be a pesimistic right now, I am usually optimistic as hell. I’m the ‘every thing happens for a reason’ kinda guy. You know ‘God works in mysterious ways’. Sometimes I really think God is working backwards though, yet still I pray for perhaps one specific thing and radomly God acts swiftly and directly. Though that is not what this post is about.
Getting back to the point here, I really think life is just going to shit right now. Perhaps it is just because my financial world is collapsing around me. Perhaps it is because I am lonely and I feel like my friends keep ditching me. Perhaps I’m making all of this up, I’m sure to be blowing everything out of porportion here.
I’m posting this now, without review, as I am completely ‘in it’ right now. I hope this is semi understandable.
October 30th, 2006 at 12:46pm
John
What do you do when ALL of your friends bail out on you. Everyone one. Only one friend actually had a good excuse, his grandmother was suddenly going into surgery for a tumor. Everyone else just bailed, plain and simple, bailed.
October 28th, 2006 at 11:37pm
John
If you suffer from depression or know someone who does, then you probably know what I am talking about.
Radomly crying is when you begin to cry for no reason at all. Nothing has provoked you, nothing has really even changed. For some unknown reason though you begin to cry. Sometimes it is only very little as you instantly hold yourself back from balling away. Sometimes you cry for a good few minutes, but sometimes, just sometimes you cry for hours on end. These crys are very very odd. When it happens to me I feel totally out of control of my body. I also feel out of my mind. I mean wtf did I start crying for, and if I can not find a reason then why can I not stop crying?
The true answer here is chemicals. Depression is thought to be brought on by both circumstances [once or twice in life] or by a lack of a chemical in the brain known as serotonin. This little bably is what doctors believe controls of stable our emotion line is. Everybodys emotion fluctuates up and down, but depressives stable line [or middle line] is generally below that of average. While manic depressives’ [another form of depression] emotion line fluctuates either at much higher or lower intervals or it flucuates in a more extreme matter.
Therefore I’ve come to the conclusion that a radom cry is just my serotonin level dropping suddenly below my stable emotion line. Nothing has really changed, but this is certainly a good sign that you serotonin levels might not be stable, and therefore clinical depression could be an issue.
If you suffer from random crying, much like I do, please do yourself a favor and get help from a doctor. The answer is not always lifelong medication. In fact most depressives are able to come off medication within one to two years. I myself found that my serotonin levels were eventually able to smooth themselves out to stability, they just need a little coaxing from some doctor prescribed chemicals.
October 22nd, 2006 at 12:12am
John
My thoughts of late have been running quite wild. This semester’s classes have been the most intense of any so far. I do not find time to update my blog or rework any of my sites. In reality I rarely find time to finish all of the features on my church’s website. I haven’t actually been to church in about 1.5 months now. I am to tired on Sunday mornings to go. I wish badly that we had a night service there. All in all what I’m trying to stay is that I am staying busy.
That is what they told me to do, all of them. The real doctors, the head doctors, the aspiring doctors, the witch doctors, and the ‘I want to give advice’ friend doctors. Stay busy and things will smooth themselves out. Well, all in all this is true. It is true not because your daily life fills you so much that you no longer experience pain, but because you daily life gets so full that all emotion gets pushed out the third story window of your apartment and onto the thorned bushes below. This however is not entirely true and only works in theory. I have found that though my emotions have been pushed to back of the broom closet, I can still hear them. They are screaming. An almost silent scream that sounds more like your imagination than a physical sound. Though faint the screams make it to the top of my conscious like nails against a blackboard or a sore on the top of your inner mouth. My emotions almost hesitate to break out but every car crash leaves a wound and they come flying towards me. When this happens I literally reel around in my head knocked around by thier very speed. And it all comes back to me. Michelle, Love, John Wayne, passion, lies, breakup, death, and her life afterwards. I can not help but to love her dearly. I can not help my wandering brain from traversing down the path of ‘what if’s’. I can not stop the wheels of thought from traveling every road I ever thought could make me happy. Maybe I was born with a broken heart.
They say that time heals all.
I guess I haven’t lived very long.
October 16th, 2006 at 08:56pm
John
