I’m caught in a net.
The size of texas.

I have room to move about
but I know there is an edge.

Everyone around me is dying,
trapped in the vicous web.

I can’t live like this
to know that net is there

to know I can only go so far;
sometimes I can even see the edge.

I must think that I will not be caught
if only I keep moving, place to place

this net will not catch me;
if only I could keep moving.

——————————————————–

Depression Sucks The Life Out of Me and You and Everyone We Know

Add comment April 24th, 2006 at 10:09pm John

Shit.
It’s happening already.
I certainly was not prepared for this yet.
I thought it would not happen for another 5-10 years.
I thought I would at least be done with college before this happened.

My dad went to the emergency room on friday night. He was having shortened breath, sweating, and fatigue. My mom thought it was a mild heart attack. She was worried sick. She called all of us (my five sisters and I) and let us know that dad was in the hospital and the reasons why. The hospital wanted to keep him overnight for observation in the e/r. My mom couldn’t stay because they didn’t have a place for her there. I bet she didn’t sleep much that night at home all by herself. Saturday morning came around. I called my mom. Dad had been released from the hospital and put on some blood thinner medication. He has no diagnosis so far, but the hospital is not ruling out a heart attack. On monday they will schedule a “stress test” for him sometime this week or early next. Everyone is worried. My dad kind of freaked out on the nurses at the hospital and started cursing at them. They did not understand what he wanted and he isn’t good about explaining that sort of thing. He could not get information out of them as to what the medication would do, why he was on it, and what they thought. I had to call the damn hospital three times to finally get the info. My dad called as well. He is hard to talk to. The nurses understood though, they talked with me for awhile about his condition. I was able to get the information we all needed to settle ourselves for a bit. I called the family and let them know. My nerves are on high alert until he gets the results of that test. I hope the doctors can figure this out for him. We will also be calling my father’s primary physician at the hospital. I hope she can answer the rest of our questions….

I thought I would at least be done with college before this happened.
I thought it would not happen for another 5-10 years.
I certainly was not prepared for this yet.
It’s happening already.
Shit.

2 comments April 15th, 2006 at 09:03pm John

You should never be embarssed by
your trouble with living

cause its the ones with the sorest throats
who have done the most singing.

Add comment April 13th, 2006 at 07:10am John

Man this week is really busy for me. I have papers due. Exams returned. More papers due. Projects design documents due (the hardest part of the project!), poems due. Plus I have two major things due next week as well…..aaahhhh

This means I have not been able to get to the grocery store. This means I have to eat out more, usually at the library, this means I am even poorer. Arg.

Plus I feel really bad leaving Ethel at home in her crate for most of the day. I leave at 8:30am. Come home at 5:30pm, leave again at 6:15pm, and come back home around 10:30-11:00pm. Man I feel really bad. Plus I have work this saturday, and Easter is Sunday and my mother is calling me asking me to come up. Oh No! Too much on my perverbial plate.

Oh ya, plus I need to find a job right away (or sell some websites) because I won’t be in school this summer and I’m going broke fast. Shit.

Add comment April 12th, 2006 at 05:02pm John

My depression is getting worse.

and still she won’t call or pick up the phone.

Add comment April 10th, 2006 at 07:26am John

Is this true for the whole entire planet earth that we inhibit? Or is it just me?

It seems like whenever things are starting to look up they crash and fall further than where they were before. What the fuck is up with that?

Michelle and I used to talk on the phone about once a week, for a good bit of time. We both enjoyed talking to each other. No problems existed until she found out how much we really talk.  Apparently one-two hours a week is just too much time to spend with John on the phone. Now she won’t return my calls, she won’t even pick up the damn phone. Maybe I’m over-reacting. I certainly feel worthless. I can’t seem to help it. I feel like I’m not good enough for her to even pick up the phone. Is this other guy so much better than me? Do his kiss send shivers down her spine like mine did? Is the way that he holds her hand so much better?

God these things stick in my head all fucking day. They pop up unexpected and stay there until I’m at home in my bed underneath the covers in the middle of the fucking day. Even then they don’t leave, but somehow I cry myself to sleep. I always wake up feeling even worse, and usually going right back to sleep again.

Life is so hard, so full of pain and sadness. I have cried in nearly every classroom I set foot into. I still hope for a future relationship with Michelle, but sometimes the sadness is overwhelming. I just don’t know what to do.

Add comment April 7th, 2006 at 10:17am John

Well after months of not putting out a podcast I have offically decided to stop production of all podcasts.  I could never find (read: make) the time to do the podcast. I did enjoy it will it lasted and years later I will be able to listen to the ones I did make and laugh my silly head off. Cheers to all who listened and thanks!

The blog will go on, and on, and on, and on. Probably forever, or the end of time, whichever comes first. So check back often for written form, or subscribe to the blog via rss.

Add comment April 6th, 2006 at 08:35pm John

I’m wondering different ways to purpose a web site to a business that has not solicited my services. I need to get word out that I am here. I want the local businesses of bloomington to know that their websites can look better! How the hell do I go about this task.

I am thinking of looking at all of their sites (already have really) and then sending them a request for quote. To see if they are interested in getting a quote from me about re-designing their website. This would at least hopefully get them to check out my portfolio.  Is this a viable option, or should I go with something else?

Add comment April 3rd, 2006 at 06:10pm John

Tell me am I right to think

that there could be nothing better

than making you my bride

and slowly growing old together.

Add comment April 2nd, 2006 at 10:04pm John

This is a big day for me. Huge. Gignormous.
On this day three years ago, after eating white mountain ice cream. I asked Michelle to be my girlfriend. She said YES!
If you know my story. You know Michelle is not with me right now.
You also know that I hope to be with her again.
You also know that I think we are meant to be together.
Today I visited the spot where we became a couple. I cried and cried and cried.
I then visited the spot where we had our first kiss.
I was walking and almost didn’t make it home. I nearly feel to my knees weaping.
I love Michelle more and more and more each passing day.
I hope that she will take me back.

I Love You Michelle Ma Belle, I Love You.

Add comment April 1st, 2006 at 01:49pm John