Where to start, where to start; ah the begining.
June 2005,
My life is in serious danger now. Work is getting fed up with me because I’m not talking to customers how they would like (at this point in time I work at an answering service) or saying everything they tell me to say. I could care less what they think. I can not stand working there, I can not stand my bosses or half of my co-workers, and I can not stand the clientel. My life sucks. My girlfriend and I are seperated, both physically and in our relationship. I am begining to believe her when she says we were not meant to be together. I have two friends living with me (along with thier animals, two cats, and a bird) as well as my dog Ethel. All in my small studio apartment. I have no privacy and I can not even cry myself to sleep for comfort. Also I think (at this time) I would never being going back to college again, I just can not afford it. What is a 23 year old man supposed to do:
- Become a raging alcoholic.
- Have a mental breakdown.
- Run off and kill everyone that I can.
Subconsciously I chose two of the three. First I started drinking heavily to alleviate the pain and suffering. It’s called Self-Medicating. Fortunally for me, though not at the time, my finances would not hold up to me drinking myself to death. I broke down. I made a terrible mistake and ended up sleeping with some girl. I would have never done that before. “What the hell was wrong with you.” ” Life can’t be all that bad John.” Oh the things I would hear from people. “Don’t worry things will get better.”
Well you can see the pickle I was in. Though my life was hell, I did not admit it. I kept living and acting like everything was ok, but inside I was torn apart with nowhere to turn, and so I thought, no one to turn to. Pretending that everything is fine when really all you feel is blackness can really tear a person apart, especially when you have no privacy (from the vagarants mentioned above). Being in this state will cause things to build up and up and up.
Eventually my girlfriend (who I thought would never see me again) came to visit me from out of state. She thought we could patch things up. She had heard that I was seing someone, though she did not yet know I had sex with that other person. I was scared as hell. I love this girl with all of my heart and all of my soul. I had fucked up royally and if she found out what I had done she would probably stab a steak knife into my chest. So, when she asked the inevitable question, I lied. I lied and lied and lied and lied and lied to her pretty face. God I felt awfull. She kept asking if there was anything I needed to tell her, “nothing” I would say. LIAR. Dirty Filthy Stupid Liar. We decided that we could patch things up the morning she was due to leave. We had breakfast, we kissed for the first time in 5 months, we held hands. It was beautiful. We even sat in the downtown muncipal court lawn and listed to music together. Her head on my shoulder. African music never sounded so heavenly in all my life.
She was tired and had a long trip ahead of her. I suggested that we go back to my apartment and have a nap before she leaves. What a novell idea. The instant she hit my bed she knew. She knew, she knew, she knew, and I knew that she knew. She asked blatantly “John, did you have sex with that girl?” I am a horrible man, but I could no longer avoid the truth. A “yes” escaped my mouth, and with it my life. She gathered her things and stormed out the door. I ran to follow her. On the steps of my apartment she told me that even though she had messed up as well, she was upfront with everything, but I did not have the decency to do the same. She left. I am now dead, goodnight cruel world.
This is the 1st article in an ongoing series depecting my journey through depression and how I have come to cope. Please check back soon for the 2nd edition.
Continue Reading
December 3rd, 2005 at 12:41am
John